“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to
hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart,
that’s true strength.” ~ Christopher Reeves
Its been a month and half since the miscarriage. If you didn't read that post here is the link to that post.
Right now I feel like God is testing me and I have no idea why.
A month and half ago I lost our baby at 10 weeks. Then my Grandfather took a turn for the worse with his brain cancer and I had to watch him waste away like I did with my Grandma. And then he died last Wednesday (9/11)
In between all that our sweet baby Kai turned 4 and started 4k on Tuesday!
I really wish I knew what was expected of me. IF there is a certain way I should be handling this I'd really like to know so this test can be over.
I'm so tired of crying and being sad. It seems like every time I try to be upbeat and happy something comes along to knock the wind out of me again.
There are times when I just want to collapse and scream "Uncle!" because I can't take losing anyone else but then I realize I can't.
I have so much to be thankful for and I know I am blessed.
I really wish I knew the reason behind this test.
I've done my time and earned my scars.
I survived my mom going crazy with PTSD and blaming for everything that was wrong in her life.
I survived my Dad's alcoholism (and have celebrated his sobriety).
I made it through being homeless, living in a house with no power or hot water.
I survived being emotionally, verbally and physically abused by a parent and by an ex boy friend.
I made it through all of that and now this is happening.
I just don't get it. I made it through hell and can't help but feel a little angry and jipped.
All I want is to be happy with my family. I don't think I'm asking too much after being through my own personal hell.
I don't want riches or attention. Just to be happy with HB and Kai.
I feel like God is punishing me and if I can figure out what is expected of me I'll be rewarded with a cupcake lol (not really)
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