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Thursday, September 19, 2013

I feel like God is testing me!

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” ~  Christopher Reeves


Its been a month and half since the miscarriage. If you didn't read that post here is the
link to that post.

Right now I feel like God is testing me and I have no idea why.
A month and half ago I lost our baby at 10 weeks. Then my Grandfather took a turn for the worse with his brain cancer and I had to watch him waste away like I did with my Grandma. And then he died last Wednesday (9/11)
In between all that our sweet baby Kai turned 4 and started 4k on Tuesday!
I really wish I knew what was expected of me. IF there is a certain way I should be handling this I'd really like to know so this test can be over.

I'm so tired of crying and being sad. It seems like every time I try to be upbeat and happy something comes along to knock the wind out of me again.
There are times when I just want to collapse and scream "Uncle!" because I can't take losing anyone else but then I realize I can't.
I have so much to be thankful for and I know I am blessed.

I really wish I knew the reason behind this test. 

I've done my time and earned my scars.
I survived my mom going crazy with PTSD and blaming for everything that was wrong in her life.
I survived my Dad's alcoholism (and have celebrated his sobriety).
I made it through being homeless, living in a house with no power or hot water.
I survived being emotionally, verbally and physically abused by a parent and by an ex boy friend.
I made it through all of that and now this is happening.
I just don't get it. I made it through hell and can't help but feel a little angry and jipped.

All I want is to be happy with my family. I don't think I'm asking too much after being through my own personal hell.
I don't want riches or attention. Just to be happy with HB and Kai.

I feel like God is punishing me and if I can figure out what is expected of me I'll be rewarded with a cupcake lol (not really)