Saturday, July 27, 2013

Heart broken pregnancy loss (there is swearing)

I am beyond heart broken that I am having to make this blog post. It seems like I no sooner announced our pregnancy and now I am having to post that we lost it.
This is my first miscarriage and I pray to god its my last.
I made it to 10 weeks.

Thursday morning at 1am I had a stabbing pain by my left hip and I started spotting bright red blood. I immediately panicked because this had never happened with our daughter's pregnancy.
We headed to the ER I thought just to ease my mind. I think I was deluding myself.

After a urine test, 4 vials of blood and an extensive ultrasound we found out that our baby had no heart beat and had stopped growing 3 weeks ago.
All I could do was cry. We were very lucky to have a very understanding and compassionate Dr and Nurse.

I went in later Thursday and saw one of the midwives. We decided to try the natural route first to see if my body will take care of it. I scheduled an appointment for next Wednesday because the Midwife is worried about infection setting in.
If nothing happens by Wednesday I will probably be doing a DNC.
I'm terrified of surgery but this waiting is driving me insane. I'm afraid to go anywhere because I'm worried I'll start cramping or bleeding all over the place.
I just want this whole ordeal done with.
I'm so lucky HB has been a rock for me and so understanding.
I can't help but feel like I have failed him some how by losing his baby.

I'm so FUCKING angry and hurt and depressed. I feel like my body has failed me and I'm so pissed off at it.
I hate this whole fucking ordeal. I hate that I have to explain to Kai that she's not going to be a Big Sister anymore. She is sad and doesn't understand. She thinks its something she did.
I'm even more irate at the fact that I know women right now that are either pregnant or just had babies that they care nothing about. They don't want them, don't really care about them, use them for money either from the state or multiple Baby Daddies, use them for attention till they are no longer babies and then they don't care what they do.
Our baby even though it was a surprise was wanted and loved from the minute we knew about it. It would have been safe and cared for yet we're the ones that get to leave the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.

I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting for my body to do what its suppose to.
I have so many emotions running through me right now that I feel like I might explode into a million pieces.

Whats even more insane is that when I had to post on my FB that we lost the baby the out pouring of support and I had no idea I knew so many women that went through a miscarriage. Its so crazy that no one talks about something so that is sadly so common

Thankfully HB has said that once I get a clean bill of health that we can actually try for a baby.