Friday, January 31, 2014

My 6 tips for a happier relationship (revised)

I recently read a blog post called Top 10 Rules every marriage should live or straight. 

It is a decent blog post with some very good points but the writer I feel could have branched out more on the rules plus some of them strike me as "No brainers." Things like "Don't take your spouse for granted" (which was 9&10) and "Discuss life goals often". Also "Never threaten to leave or throw the "D" word around casually" DUH.

I know that some people don't think things like that are important but seriously I think the majority of people know those 3 are not something you joke with or mess around with... period.

Here is my revised list since I found quite a bit of fault with the other one.
(NOTE: I know everyone is different and that what works for us might not work for someone else. Take what you can from it and be happy :) )

 1. No Secrets

There are absolutely no secrets between HB and I. Not even little insignificant shit secrets from HS. He is the one person I am completely and wholly honest with no matter.
You never know when something no matter how little you think it is could come back and bite you in arse.
Trying to hid your past or something about yourself isn't being true to your relationship nor is it fair to your Significant Other.

2. Talk. Talk about EVERYTHING
What I mainly mean is communicate about everything!
In this day and age with so many different ways to communicate from over the phone, texting, email, Skype, Facebook, smoke signals there really isn't an excuse for not communicating unless you're expecting the other person to become Psychic.
Make sure to talk about important things like Kids, Deal Breakers, Expectations, Future Plans, even things that you don't want to think about like what to do if something awful happens to one of you.

3. Do things together that you both enjoy...(the other blog said resist the urge to merge. Bull merge to where you're happy)
Make sure to take time to do things you both enjoy and do as much together as you want.
Just don't lose yourself in the merge. You don't want to become one of those people that if your SO is gone you don't know what to do with yourself. Honestly those people are no fun to be around.
Keep what makes you "YOU" and just season it with what you enjoy together.
Example: HB and I enjoy playing video games together but I still maintained my love for fighting games while he enjoys playing solo Strategy games.
We both enjoy reading but I like Paranormal stuff while he reads Sci Fi.
I enjoy drawing and crafts while he prefers Online Gaming and watching documentaries.

4. Don't air your dirty laundry.

My Grandma used to say this all the time when I was little and I had no clue what she was talking about. When I asked she would just say "Not to feed the gossipers". I was like 6 so still wasn't too sure on things.
Now that I'm older I understand what she was talking about. This was one of the keys to her and my grandpa making for 53 years until she passed away.
Back her day it was super easy to keep your home life private now not so much.
I've lost count of how many people I know that tell EVERYTHING on social media. They blast their partners, parents, kids, siblings, complete strangers all over Facebook, Twitter, MySpace (does anyone even use it?) etc.
They do this and then wonder why people stop talking to them, are mad at them or why they get dumped.
HB and I hardly ever fight but when we do no one knows about but us.
We do use FB and occasionally make posts about each other but they are always positive, loving posts.
Occasionally I will vent to my super close group of friends but its usually not about HB but my Mom.
I trust those ladies implicitly and know they would never gossip about me. Sometimes its good to have someone that listens but don't go broadcasting it to everyone that will listen.

5. Don't lose the intimacy. 

There is more to intimacy in a relationship than just sex.
I learned that one after Kai was born and I had a butt full of stitches (hello 4th degree tear).
Sex was not an option until close to 12 weeks had passed. I couldn't bear for HB to touch me there without tears.
It was starting to become a real issue when we decided sit down and talk about it. HB told me that what he missed more then just sex. He explained that he understood I was in pain and wasn't trying to make me feel bad or pressure me into something I wasn't ready for physically. He explained how he missed the kissing, cuddling and talking too.
It wasn't the sex, it was the intimacy.
Once we made time to cuddle while Kai was sleeping it made things so much easier and happier. We would cuddle and watch a movie or TV and just talk.
The one thing that always blows my mind is when the woman completely cuts the man off from any physical contact and then is actually shocked when he strays.
How long can you expect someone to stay in a relationship where there is no intimacy?

6. Don't forget to have FUN

While doing the every routine stuff don't forget to have fun with it. Enjoy doing even the most basic things together.
My parents split when I was 13 and have just lately started getting along. I know Kai has helped with some of it but the other thing is they're having fun whether Kai is there or not.
They've been playing lots of scrabble together (not much else to do in this polar vortex) and hosting family dinners a couple nights a week between their 2 houses.
Everything is better when you're having fun together and laughing.
So much is lost when you spend all your time being serious.

7. Remember everyone has a bad days.

No matter how upbeat or optimistic your partner is they are allowed to have bad days.
I'm so optimistic most days HB says I should have rainbows shooting out my behind lol
Someone being crabby doesn't always mean its your fault. Unless you know you did it.

We have this rule in our home for 2 reasons...

1. My period turns me into a crabby biotch
2. HB admits men have a "Time of the Month" too. 

I've learned to not take his grumpiness personally unless he tells me its my fault or its obviously my fault i.e accidental blue balling :::sheepish:::
He has also learned that sometimes I cannot help being grumpy. I'm not a morning person at ALL so occasionally that makes me crabby.
Plus he knows I do not sleep well when he's at work. I wake up to all the weird noises thinking its Kai trying to sneak attack me or something. So I'm usually kinda crabby when I get up on the weekends.

8. Praise frequently and openly
After a couple has been together for a while (2+ years) the compliments kinda drop off. Which is understandable in a sense but it also sucks because you start to feel unattractive and unappreciated.
The compliments don't have to be long flowing things just short and simple is works just fine. Like HB telling my that my butt looks hot in my yoga pants or me telling him his new beard is a pantie dropper (at least to me lol)

Guys appreciate being complimented too no matter how vehemently they try to deny it. I notice a new skip in HB's step every time I compliment him.
Make sure to do it randomly so it truly catches them by surprise and it could be the bright spot in their day.
Complimenting also lets your Other Half know that you're not taking them for granted, that you notice when they try something new whether its a new hair do, shirt or recipe.
Its the little things that matter most.