Monday, August 5, 2013

Closing this Chapter of our lives and Moving Forward. Part 1 (Graphic and swearing.)

I am writing out my miscarriage story because when I was trying to find info about it during my week long wait there wasn't hardly any accounts on a Natural MC.

We found out the morning of the 25th that our baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks (3 wks before.)
I was beyond heart broken and so fucking mad at the world for the entire weekend.
I went to my Midwife appointment later that day with a broken heart. I felt so cheated on what was suppose to be an exciting day of hearing the baby's heartbeat had turned to ash as we discussed how to proceed from there in ending the pregnancy.
Looking back I realize we very lucky with my care providers. Everyone expressed their sympathies to us and the the midwife even hugged me.
We decided to wait and see if my body would take care of everything since I had been spotting that morning. I wanted go the most natural route possible and leave the DNC as the last option. I'm scared of being put under and really don't like IV's.
I made an appointment for the following Wednesday since the midwife was concerned about an infection setting in since it had been so long since the baby passed away.

Little did I know in deciding to wait that my body would wait til the very last minute to figure out what was going on.
The weekend was hard.
I cried most of Friday and Saturday. I actually think it did a lot of good. I allowed myself to mourn deeply and Charles stayed by my side the whole time. I know he mourned in his own way but I don't think I can ever thank him enough for being my Rock.
Kai was a little sweet heart and cuddled with me a lot.
My parents helped a lot too. I was very fortunate to have a great support system. Even HB's Mom helped by giving us money so I didn't have to cook dinner a couple nights. I couldn't focus at all. I was completely scattered in about a million different directions.
I felt so many different things at once it was so insane and intense.
I was angry, enraged, pissed off, heart broken, crushed, disappointed and drained.
Sunday was HB's day off and we spent it all cuddled up in our bed with Kai watching movies. I slept a lot and cried a little. Kai and HB smothered me in love.
Monday I wake up feeling renewed and at peace with what had happened.
Charlie and I had talked a lot about what could have happened and if we wanted to consider testing or just keep on the path we chose.
We decided that this time we would let nature take over. If we have the misfortune to go through this again we'll opt for more testing.
We know that it was nothing to do with me. My blood work came back perfect.
 So it was really just one of those freak awful things.
We both agreed that if something had been really wrong with the baby that this was the best rather then lose the baby later on in the pregnancy after we had bonded more with it or to have actually carried the baby to term and the baby either not make it or be very sick having no quality of life.

I had some random cramps over the weekend and beginning of the week but no bleeding or anything. It was really fucking annoying. I was scared to go anywhere and I felt like a time bomb.

By Tuesday I am done with the whole waiting thing and seriously considering the DNC route because I can't take it anymore.
I just want this awful chapter over with so we can move forward

Tuesday night after Kai went to bed I am sitting on the couch stressing to Charlie about how I'm worried and scared about what the midwife will suggest at our appointment the following day. Suddenly my lower back starts to cramp just like it does with my period. Nothing to painful just uncomfortable. That goes on for a couple hours and I tell HB that if I am going to be in pain I wish it was productive. I no sooner say those words when I feel a gush. I rush to the bathroom and my shorts are soaked with blood. I freak a little but calm myself down right away.
Thank goodness we ran to Walmart earlier that day to get pads and stuff because I was nervous about how I would feel the rest of the week after my appointment.
I washed up, changed my bottoms and put on a pad. But the bleeding stopped an hour later right before bed! I'm WTH is going on here, body? Get with the program!
I started bleeding again in the shower before my appointment and had some subtle cramping.
I was really surprised again at everyone's sympathy at the clinic even the medical assistant expressed her sympathies to us.
I was so relieved that my body wasn't broken just a little slow.
The midwife agreed that the meds would be the best next step for us to just help my body along.