Why is this so bleeding complicated!

Sweet baby Jeebus!! Why is wedding planning so such a freaking pain and so damn difficult?!
I'm not asking that much.
All we want is to get married. To join our families. To celebrate our Love. AND not go bankrupt trying to do it!
I guess that is asking too much because holy hell is everything associated with getting married is ridiculously expensive!
I read a while back that mentioning the word "Wedding" was saying a dirty word. They weren't kidding!
I swear before I figured it out I would say either "getting married" or "Wedding" and dollar signs would appear in their eyes!

The biggest problem I've encountered is trying to find an officiant that is willing to work with us.
The comments we've encountered are so archaic I never thought I'd hear them.
I don't belong to a church.
HB kinda belongs to his parents church (he was confirmed there) however they cannot keep a pastor for more than 6 months it seems. They (pastors) either get arrested, are forced to leave, voluntarily leave because of adultery or they die.
All of the non-denominational churches around here have crazy hoops they want you to jump through for them to even consider marrying you.
Here is what one church told me...

1. We would have to live apart. (they didn't care that we have a child that wouldn't understand what was happening)
2. We would have to attend classes (fine, no problem)
3. Since we have a child together we would need extra classes on the evils of premarital sex (WTH?)
4. Would have to attend church there for six months or more before they would consider us
5. We would have to join the mens and womens groups AND be active in them for 6 months.
Plus they're groups have a 6 week waiting list to even be approved to join them. (I'm sorry wtf?)
I asked the church rep how we were suppose to find time for that while raising a 3 year old, going to school and working. Her response was "Figure it out. Not my problem" Gee thanks.
They pretty much have things set up to deter any non members from wanting to get married there which I think is pretty sad when their credo on the door is that "Everyone is Welcome in the House of the Lord" 
Which pretty much translates to "You're Welcomed but Fuck Off if your not a member"

I contacted some independent Officiants here in town and one wanted $500 to marry us and that was for the very basic service where we couldn't even write our own vows!
The other person I contacted quoted $300 but that was basic service and to add anything even music was $50 here $30 there to where even the minimum of what we wanted was an extra almost $300.

If I can't find someone in the next 6 months I am going to make my cousin get ordained online to marry us!

Has anyone else had problems like this while trying to get married?