Yesterday I went to see the local midwives for the first time since the miscarriage last summer. I needed to get a physical and I do love seeing them.
I had mentally prepared myself I thought for anything.
I was very wrong. I had not prepared myself at all for when the midwife walked in and took my hand and she said "I'm so sorry for what you've been going through"
I never thought a single sentence could reduce me to tears so fast.
I started crying and couldn't stop.
She held my hand and talked to me about everything I was feeling.
I apologized for crying and she just smiled and told me I didn't have to apologize for still grieving what could have been.
She told me how a recent study says that it can take over a year for a mother to stop grieving a loss.
She talked about how the women surveyed said they weren't just grieving the lost baby but also all of the milestones that went with from the due date to the first day of kindergarten.
Its true. I thought I was mourning those because we have Kai so we know the milestones but turns out I'm not alone or crazy for those thoughts.
I cried last month when what should have been our due date passed but I thought I was doing better.
HB has let me cry all I want but I get so tired of hurting, of being sad, of having a hole in heart that won't close.
I have cried more times since July then I care to admit and HB has held me through them all.
Sometimes I can't help it and the pain comes out of no where and takes me out.
No one ever talks about how long the pain lasts or how they get through it.
Everyone acts like once its over that's it you should pick up and move on even though your heart is breaking every day.
I have a new respect for other women that have gone through this because it takes a lot of strength to ignore the hole in your chest and act like nothing is bothering you until you get behind closed doors.
I hadn't realized till yesterday how alone I felt in my grief.
Its not something I want or try to talk about but I am putting this out there because no one should feel alone.