The daily adventures Kai, her Mommy Kat and Daddy Charlie (HB). They spend their days exploring the city they live in, experimenting with arts and crafts, and tackling raising an independent 4 year old.
Kat is also an artist both on paper and skin. Charlie spends his days figuring out what everyone is crying about and wondering where in the hell all this glitter came from.
Kai had a play date the other day with her best friend Maxton. While I actually got to have some adult conversation with Maxton's sweet momma Julia. Yayfor adult interaction besides talking to HB
Max and his momma live in a town house with an itty bitty yard on a busy street so I thought they would have more fun running around our huge yard then up in our tiny apartment. Kai LOVES sidewalk chalk and painting so this is a GREAT combo. I made up a batch of this in a muffin tin with large cups. I used regular food coloring and made 2 of each color so they could go nuts without fighting over the colors. They had so much fun that Julia texted me on her way home saying "Max can't stop talking about all the fun they had! He says that Kai is his friend and can't be mine!lol" I used the recipe above this time around. Please share any other fun kid recipes :)
Max starting out! He ended up making a cool tie dyed spot.
Going to town with paints. My Mom's dog Teddy came to visit. He left when told he'd get a bath if they got paint on him lol
Talking about all the colors :)
This is the sidewalk by our garden and next to my Dad's apartment. For about a week GrandPop had very pretty art work right outside his door
This evening my Dad and I took Kai to this cute little out of the way park in our City. I had never been there before. My Dad had taken Kai there when I was going through the miscarriage to give me some peace and quiet. Kai was dying to show me the awesome park that her and Grandpop found.
It was such a cute and out of the way little park almost in the middle of the city right off of the river. I can't wait to take HB there. Maybe do a cook out :)
Now... I generally cringe when I run into kids at these parks. I know that sounds awful but normally those kids are a bunch of little butt holes. And their parents are usually no where to be found. Not surprising that after we got there 2 women and their collective 6 kids showed up. Not only were they kind but they didn't stare or whisper about me nor did they call their kids away from playing with Kai. That happens often to me and HB since we look a little different. This day and age you wouldn't think that we would encounter that kind of stuff with dyed hair and piercings being more common place but eh. But those biatches are more common than you would think.
Any-who it was so nice and refreshing to encounter this. All of them were polite and friendly. All the kids but one was older then Kai by at least 2 years. The Moms made sure that the older kids didn't run into Kai and that they didn't cut her off or push her out of the way. Kai wanted to swing but we let the littlest kid a girl about 2 go first. The Mom actually "thanked" me and was genuine about it.
On to the Duck. The playground is next to the river that runs through the city. My Dad spotted 2 ducks swimming below the canoe chute. We walked over to check them out and I commented to my Dad that it was too bad that I hadn't brought the old bread I had at home to feed them. I no sooner said the word "Bread" and one of the ducks came waddling as fast as it could up the chute lol It started following me! It looked at my Dad and Kai. Guess they weren't interesting. Kai quickly lost interest in Stalker Duck and ran back to the playground equipment. I started to follow her when my Dad say "Hey look at the Duck!" I turned around and it was still following me like "Hey whats up? I heard you say Bread? Can you hook a duck up?" For every one step I took it would take 2 closer to me. I could have touched it! I swear it followed me around the playground for like 5 minutes until Kai noticed the duck was still following Mommy. At which point she exclaimed "AWww Mommy it likes you! We should take it home!" I replied "Really, Kai? Wth would we do with a Duck in our apartment?!" As I say those words 5 of the Duck's buddies pop out of the weeds like "Road Trip!" Haha... No. Still can't believe I was stalked by a Duck...
Everyone always asks whats one thing I can't live without. My answer is always the same aside from my daughter and Husband. Its... Music. I briefly mentioned it in one of my first blog posts here.
I love it all. I don't understand how someone can say that they don't like music. Its so vital to me and can express so many different emotions at once. I love all kinds of music. I can find something I like in every Genre no problem.
I do have favorite genres but I don't understand how some people can limit themselves to just one type of music and shun anything different without even trying. I grew up with music in our home. My Dad shared his love of music with me especially his love of Led Zepplin and Metallica. Later I on I shared my love of God Smack and Shinedown with him.
Music has been there for the happy times for me like my Dad teaching me how to Waltz while listening to "The Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits (not the best song for that) and going fishing on the Yellow River while "Kashmir" played in the background. For sad times like when my Grandma died "Amazing Grace" and "The Old Rugged Cross" were her favorite songs. The hard times like when my parents separated and when I had to live in a different town because it wasn't safe for me to stay home anymore. AFI, Eminem, Three Days Grace, Shinedown and Pink Floyd expressed a lot of my anger at that stage in my life. When life seemed impossible and I had hit rock bottom I found music to wrap myself in like "Bother" by Stonesour, "Poem" by Trapt, "Deny" by Default, anything by 5 Finger Death Punch.
Now I enjoy using it to express how happy I am and in Love I am with HB especially this song...
Tristan Prettyman~ All I want is You :)
We're getting married next year and its going to be a music/geek love fest :) I also love to express love with Ray LaMontagne, Citizen Cope, Gregory Alan Isakov.
Whenever things got hard or all seemed lost I could find a song that made me want to get up dust off and carry on. Music flows through my house like water. We introduced Kai to our love of music while she was still "baking" :) The songs that got her to sleep even when she had colic was "Fireflies"by Owl City, "Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis, and "The Leaving Song.Pt 2" by AFI. Kai seems to love all music except the New Rap. I don't really let her listen to Rap right now because I think she's too young but it happens on occasion. Her favorite right now is anything I can sing lol When she goes through my CD's she picks out AFI or Imagine Dragons most of the time. These are her favorite songs for me to sing to her by them right now...
Going through this miscarriage has been such a learning experience for me. Not only about miscarriages and pregnancy loss but also about infertility. I've also learned a lot about myself. I've been going through so many changes in the last 2 weeks. I'm changing how I present myself, how I allow myself to be treated even how I react to things. I've also been changing around our apartment.
I got the all clear this weekend that in a few weeks we can start "Trying" again. I'm elated but also scared.
There are so many facets of this part of life that I'm learning about. Not just Miscarriage but also Fertility problems. I've found myself suddenly thrust into the middle of all of this. My best friend has been diagnosed with PCOS so I am trying to educate myself about that as well so I can be there for her without asking a million questions. There's so much that Dr's don't know its astounding.
I joined an online support group on CafeMom and its so sad and amazing how many women are there that have lost multiple pregnancies. I realized afterwards that I didn't need to join a online group. After I made my post on Face Book and on here about the loss of our baby the outpouring of sympathy from my friends, family, and complete strangers was astounding. So many of people shared with me their sad stories of loss and I had no idea that I would come in contact with so many women who went through the same awful thing.
There are so many things women don't talk about with each other and I really think this is one of them. I felt so alone going through this despite having an amazing support network at home; then to have people on FB and on here reaching out to me was so touching. I found out that October is National Pregnancy Loss Month. I plan on doing more this October to spread awareness about it. I found thing interesting and sad info-graph about the statistics
Once I again I am typing out our story to share it with the women that have the awful misfortune to go through something like this. When we found out that we lost our baby I scored the internet for info on the different types of miscarriages to get a better understanding and to make a more informed decision. I hope this helps.
(Wednesday July 31st.) We decided to go with a dose of Misoprostol (cytotec) inserted vaginally O.o (that was uncomfortable and awkward with HB in the room. Not like its anything new for him. He watched Kai be born.)
She told us that it probably wouldn't do much for a couple hours and that it would take full effect in the morning. >.< Oh Joy I thought no sleep! Everything was put in around 2:30. I mentioned pain management and her response was that I should be ok with just Tylenol but that she would leave a note for the On Call Midwife if I decided I needed something stronger. She thought I'd be fine since I had Kai drug free and natural. We were hungry so we hit a McDonald's on the way home. I had sworn off their food 6 months ago and eating there this time reminded me why. ICK! 30 minutes later the cramping started. Naturally right as we're stuck at a light with power lines down :P
I started bleeding heavier when we got home. I switched to the long over night heavy Kotex pads. I was feeling pretty good til about 7pm when they started feeling more like contractions and I couldn't stand up straight. I caved and called the Midwife. She called in a script for me right away to the local Walgreen's for HB to pick up. I waited the longest 45 minutes EVER and then called to make sure the script was ready and that HB could pick it up. The girl that answered the phone was incredible rude and informed me that they were out and I would have to wait 2 DAYS. I didn't have the energy to argue or be snide. I just hung up on her and called the Midwife back. She was livid that they treated me like that and that they didn't tell her they were out when she called it in. I was very lucky that my Mom has a pain med script for her back problem. I told the midwife "I know you cannot recommend taking meds that aren't mine but could I do this for some relief?" Her response was great. "You're right I can't but I can say this... If I was your Mom I'd give it to you."
It helped a little. My body started passing some pretty large clots but it was about the same as after Kai was born. My body held off till we put Kai to bed and then I shut myself in the bathroom after there was a large gush of blood that filled my pad. I passed more clots and got up only to double over in pain. I was on the verge of yelling for HB because of the pain when I felt something "drop" into my vaginal canal. It was the strangest feeling I've ever experienced. I immediately sat down on the toilet and gave a little push. It dropped into the water. The pain ended almost instantly. It was shocking how fast it ended. I couldn't see because the water was extremely bloody. I couldn't help my curiousity and I wanted to make sure I knew what had passed. I got a chopstick and fished around. I didn't touch it or pull it completely from the water. I had passed the sac intact. It looked like a Jelly fish for lack of a better comparison. I never saw a fetus or anything of that sort. I had a few more strong cramps and some more tissue came out then I was done. I bled heavily for about an hour and right before I panicked it stopped. I was done by 1am. We went to bed and I slept on a towel to save our sheets. The next day I didn't feel so hot so we stayed home. Friday my lower back hurt some more and I passed another chunk of tissue about the size of a walnut. As of today (Monday August 5) I am pain free and have pretty much stopped bleeding. I am at peace with everything and know this was for the best. I have to go in for blood work once a week till my numbers go down to non-pregnant levels and then we can try for another baby :D
Couple things to note. 1.I am incredibly sorry if you've gone through something like this :( 2. Make the choices your comfortable with! Don't let anyone force you to do anything. 3. Its a good idea to make a list of Blood Type, Allergies, Medications and dosages, medical conditions etc so if something happens you can give whoever the list of info. 4. Every instance is different. It took my friend 2 weeks to mc naturally. 5. Everyone copes differently.
If you have any questions please comment with them and I'll answer the best I can.
I am writing out my miscarriage story because when I was trying to find info about it during my week long wait there wasn't hardly any accounts on a Natural MC.
We found out the morning of the 25th that our baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks (3 wks before.) I was beyond heart broken and so fucking mad at the world for the entire weekend. I went to my Midwife appointment later that day with a broken heart. I felt so cheated on what was suppose to be an exciting day of hearing the baby's heartbeat had turned to ash as we discussed how to proceed from there in ending the pregnancy. Looking back I realize we very lucky with my care providers. Everyone expressed their sympathies to us and the the midwife even hugged me. We decided to wait and see if my body would take care of everything since I had been spotting that morning. I wanted go the most natural route possible and leave the DNC as the last option. I'm scared of being put under and really don't like IV's. I made an appointment for the following Wednesday since the midwife was concerned about an infection setting in since it had been so long since the baby passed away.
Little did I know in deciding to wait that my body would wait til the very last minute to figure out what was going on. The weekend was hard. I cried most of Friday and Saturday. I actually think it did a lot of good. I allowed myself to mourn deeply and Charles stayed by my side the whole time. I know he mourned in his own way but I don't think I can ever thank him enough for being my Rock. Kai was a little sweet heart and cuddled with me a lot. My parents helped a lot too. I was very fortunate to have a great support system. Even HB's Mom helped by giving us money so I didn't have to cook dinner a couple nights. I couldn't focus at all. I was completely scattered in about a million different directions. I felt so many different things at once it was so insane and intense. I was angry, enraged, pissed off, heart broken, crushed, disappointed and drained. Sunday was HB's day off and we spent it all cuddled up in our bed with Kai watching movies. I slept a lot and cried a little. Kai and HB smothered me in love. Monday I wake up feeling renewed and at peace with what had happened. Charlie and I had talked a lot about what could have happened and if we wanted to consider testing or just keep on the path we chose. We decided that this time we would let nature take over. If we have the misfortune to go through this again we'll opt for more testing. We know that it was nothing to do with me. My blood work came back perfect. So it was really just one of those freak awful things. We both agreed that if something had been really wrong with the baby that this was the best rather then lose the baby later on in the pregnancy after we had bonded more with it or to have actually carried the baby to term and the baby either not make it or be very sick having no quality of life. I had some random cramps over the weekend and beginning of the week but no bleeding or anything. It was really fucking annoying. I was scared to go anywhere and I felt like a time bomb.
By Tuesday I am done with the whole waiting thing and seriously considering the DNC route because I can't take it anymore. I just want this awful chapter over with so we can move forward Tuesday night after Kai went to bed I am sitting on the couch stressing to Charlie about how I'm worried and scared about what the midwife will suggest at our appointment the following day. Suddenly my lower back starts to cramp just like it does with my period. Nothing to painful just uncomfortable. That goes on for a couple hours and I tell HB that if I am going to be in pain I wish it was productive. I no sooner say those words when I feel a gush. I rush to the bathroom and my shorts are soaked with blood. I freak a little but calm myself down right away. Thank goodness we ran to Walmart earlier that day to get pads and stuff because I was nervous about how I would feel the rest of the week after my appointment. I washed up, changed my bottoms and put on a pad. But the bleeding stopped an hour later right before bed! I'm WTH is going on here, body? Get with the program! I started bleeding again in the shower before my appointment and had some subtle cramping. I was really surprised again at everyone's sympathy at the clinic even the medical assistant expressed her sympathies to us. I was so relieved that my body wasn't broken just a little slow. The midwife agreed that the meds would be the best next step for us to just help my body along.
I am beyond heart broken that I am having to make this blog post. It seems like I no sooner announced our pregnancy and now I am having to post that we lost it. This is my first miscarriage and I pray to god its my last. I made it to 10 weeks. Thursday morning at 1am I had a stabbing pain by my left hip and I started spotting bright red blood. I immediately panicked because this had never happened with our daughter's pregnancy. We headed to the ER I thought just to ease my mind. I think I was deluding myself. After a urine test, 4 vials of blood and an extensive ultrasound we found out that our baby had no heart beat and had stopped growing 3 weeks ago. All I could do was cry. We were very lucky to have a very understanding and compassionate Dr and Nurse. I went in later Thursday and saw one of the midwives. We decided to try the natural route first to see if my body will take care of it. I scheduled an appointment for next Wednesday because the Midwife is worried about infection setting in. If nothing happens by Wednesday I will probably be doing a DNC. I'm terrified of surgery but this waiting is driving me insane. I'm afraid to go anywhere because I'm worried I'll start cramping or bleeding all over the place. I just want this whole ordeal done with. I'm so lucky HB has been a rock for me and so understanding. I can't help but feel like I have failed him some how by losing his baby.
I'm so FUCKING angry and hurt and depressed. I feel like my body has failed me and I'm so pissed off at it. I hate this whole fucking ordeal. I hate that I have to explain to Kai that she's not going to be a Big Sister anymore. She is sad and doesn't understand. She thinks its something she did. I'm even more irate at the fact that I know women right now that are either pregnant or just had babies that they care nothing about. They don't want them, don't really care about them, use them for money either from the state or multiple Baby Daddies, use them for attention till they are no longer babies and then they don't care what they do. Our baby even though it was a surprise was wanted and loved from the minute we knew about it. It would have been safe and cared for yet we're the ones that get to leave the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.
I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting for my body to do what its suppose to. I have so many emotions running through me right now that I feel like I might explode into a million pieces.
Whats even more insane is that when I had to post on my FB that we lost the baby the out pouring of support and I had no idea I knew so many women that went through a miscarriage. Its so crazy that no one talks about something so that is sadly so common.
Thankfully HB has said that once I get a clean bill of health that we can actually try for a baby.
