Helping with Loss and Depression (HB's first post)

Hello everyone, Kai's Dad here, for those of you that don't know me my name is Charles. I'm going to apologize right now that my first post is going to be a bit on the depressing side.

Now I've always been pretty pessimistic but the other day it reached a new low. When I got the message at work that Kai had woken up from coughing so hard she threw up and was having a hard time breathing my very first thought, even before I could consciously think about it, was that the doctor had missed something the last time we took her in and it was something fatal. The thought was so powerful and overwhelming (and completely irrational) that I almost started crying at work.

Now as screwed up as I may be for instantly going to the darkest thought imaginable, it got me thinking, why in the heck would me mind do that to me?

My response to that is this; contrary to popular beliefs, time does not heal all wounds. I'm not talking about physical wounds, though anyone with a serious injury can tell you some effects will remain no I'm talking about emotional wounds, the kind that many people face everyday at the loss of a loved one, close friend, etc. Neither me or Kat are strangers to tragedy, with probably about a dozen or so people close to us that have been taken away whether it's because of accidents, illness, or suicide (Don't get me started on suicide.)

People that have truly touched our lives leave an imprint that never goes away. In my experience the hardest part about losing someone is finally accepting that they are gone forever, that you can't just pick up the phone and hear their voice, or go online and write them a message is devastating. After that, things get easier because you know they're gone, but that doesn't mean the pain goes with it. To this day there are days where I get sad and miss my dad even though he's been gone almost twenty years now, or my brother who killed himself over ten years ago and the pain is as fresh to me now as it was all those years ago, and the only thing that's changed is how I cope with the pain.

One last thing I'd like to say before I end this post is that grief and depression are a terrible burden that so often times can seem to be unbearable. I encourage everyone reading this that are going through some kind of pain or loss to reach out to those close to you to help ease the burden, there is always someone that cares about you, even if it seems like there isn't and you feel nobody else will understand, then message us here at The Why of Kai because we understand and sometimes all it takes is a chance to vent to someone. Finally, if someone reaches out to you please don't just turn them away or downplay their feelings, be supportive and do what you can to help; you never know when your kindness could save a person's life.

Now since I don't want to end on a completely depressing note, I will allow you all to determine what my next post will be. I can do a post related to gaming (We currently own a PS3, XBox 360, PC, Wii, Nintendo DS.) Or I can tell a story from my past or present so you all can get to know me a little better. Post a comment or message us with what you would prefer, otherwise I'll just post something at random.

Thanks for reading.

Accidental Hipster O.o

So HB pointed out the other that I am a Hipster :P
He started laughing at me because I was immediately indignant.
Now that I sit down a think about I'm like "Holy Shit he's right! Dammit!"

It was a total accident!
What's more annoying is every time I turn around there is yet another thing making me a hipster!
I hate labels so I will never call myself a hipster but OMG.

I have no idea if anyone else has called me a Hipster and frankly I don't care.

HB says he's relieved that I am only really a Hipster about music and not much else.
I could be a Hipster about going to thrift stores but I originally did that because I was raised poor lol
Now I shop there because I don't see the point in buying new when I stay home all day.

Here are the reasons  we figured out that I am a Hipster :)

1. I have on more then one occasion uttered the phrase "I loved this band before anyone knew about them" >.<

2. I am anti-name brand everything.

3. I have also said "I did that before..." about shaving part of my head, dying just my bangs, piercing my nose, gauging my ears.

4. Our daughter has a name that no one has heard for a girl before and an        obscure middle name. I found both lol

5. I am all about buying local and LOVE our Farmers Market. (pity its done for the year)

6. I adore wearing off the wall T-shirts
  a) I also enjoy dressing Kai uniquely too

7. I don't drive at all. I walk and really want a bike

8. I used to enjoy wearing faux horn rims even though I have perfect eye sight

9. I refuse to define myself except for being a Mom. Apparently from my reading that makes me a Hipster

10. I love watching BBC programs and Indie movies.


Oh well I am happy with who I am. I don't care what label I fall under. The only one that matters to me is Mom.

You can't even read!

Oh my freaking god!

The last week Kai has been acting like 4 going on 14!!
I'm ready to pull my hair out O.o

She is acting like a freaking know-it-all.
She argues with me about everything!
How words are spelled, what they mean, where I'm going, what we're eating... EVERYTHING!
She even argues with me on what words are even after I help her spell it!

On top of that malarkey she has started blatantly ignoring me and trying to order me around!
She has also started trying to do it to my Dad and HB though not nearly as often as me.

One of my friends that has a daughter 2 years older than Kai said that's how the her daughter acts as well.
So apparently the mother daughter relationship dynamic is a double edged blade.
One side you are incredibly close (which is great) and the other side is the daughter is going to ignore and annoy the shit out of you at times.

According to my parents I acted the exact same way when I was 4 so I am paying for my raisin' right now :P

Little Girls aren't Human. Who Knew!

So early this afternoon Kai and I went to my Dad's to give HB some peace to take a nap.
Whenever he tries this while we are home Kai wakes him up quite routinely to "ask" him something.
He can't yell at her because the majority of the time she wants a Hug, Kiss, Snuggle (Eskimo kiss).

She was in the living room coloring while my Dad and I figured out what we wanted to do to kill time.
All of a sudden Kai comes running into the kitchen with her crayon box and says "I need capped crayons!"
My Dad looked at her and said "What?"
Me "What's wrong with the crayons you have?"
Kai "They're for HUMANS!"
Us O.o
Me "You are a Human"
Kai "No I'm not!"
Me O.O "You're not? Then what are you?"

Kai "I'm a little Girl!"

According to HB when I was retelling the conversations that apparently clears a lot of things up LOL

He firmly believes that little girls are tiny balls of energy that mark their territory with glitter.
Every time he picks Kai up he ends up with glitter in his beard or somewhere on him

Sings to my soul (bluegrass)

Lately Bluegrass music has been singing to my soul in a serious way.
I can't even begin to explain it. 
Something in the songs I've been listening to on repeat have just been incredible soothing to me.
I love singing along with the music as well. 

It helps knock Kai out in no time. I never thought choir would help this way. 

My Mom is from the South (Kentucky) so maybe its my genetics that this music is speaking too.

I have such an intense love of music.
I can find something to love in just about all music.
There are times though when certain forms of music just resonate with me. Lately it has been bluegrass.
I'm still planning our wedding and for that a lot of Alt music is just sounding right to me.



Here are a couple of the bluegrass songs that have been singing to my soul...







The Steeldrivers~ Sticks the made Thunder






Sarah Jarosz~ Tell Me True

Someone has trust issues

I have seen quite a few joint FB accounts jumping up all over my news feed lately.
Now I wouldn't think this was too odd except a few days earlier the couple had separate accounts.

Some people say they're doing it as part of a fad while others say they are doing it because they "trust" each other completely.

Well I call Shenanigans on that malarkey.

When couples suddenly do that it practically screams to me that one of them doesn't trust the other.
It makes me wonder what they're hoping to accomplish by joining accounts.
I mean honestly what is stopping one of them from opening another FB account and hiding it or just starting a dating site account.
I seriously think that making a joint account will just cause more trust issues rather then repair anything.

I also think it is a sign of extreme insecurity and clingy-ness.
If you don't have trust in your relationship what do you have?

HB has all the info to access my accounts and I have the info to access his stuff. We hardly ever use it. It usually gets used when asked lol

 The few occasions joint accounts makes sense to me is when like my cousin was deployed overseas he and his wife made a joint account for family members since she would be able to answer questions faster then he would.

Oh well to each their own.

The lost art of Excuse Me and getting schooled by a 4 year old.

I don't care how bad of a day you're having there is no excuse to be rude.
The day after we found out that our baby had passed away I started crying in the middle of the grocery store and I apologized to the girl checking us out before I ran to the truck.

Today I went to the Grocery store with my Mom to get the last things we needed for Thanksgiving and HB's birthday dinner. (His birthday is Tuesday)
I should have stayed home! The store was a mad house because some how we missed that they were having some sort of Holiday/Festive Snack sample shenanigans O.O
There were people EVERYWHERE!

Kai almost got squished a couple times and I was rammed into a few times by impatient little blue haired old ladies.
I do not understand how Holiday dinner shopping translates into "Try to ram me with your shopping cart just because I'm in front of a display you want to look at for 5 minutes without grabbing anything"

When we were about 3/4's done with our shopping I ended up picking Kai up and setting her on the handle bars/front of the basket of the cart. 
I hooked my fingers through her belt loops to make sure she didn't slip anywhere. She snuggled her head into my shoulder/chest and just leaned into me. Quite a few older ladies saw her and said "Awwww. That's so sweet! Is she sleeping?"
To which Kai would popped up and said "Nope not sleeping! Just snuggling my Momma"
Which made the ladies "Awwww" some more. 

I needed cake mix for HB's birthday cake and when I got to that aisle there were a group of older ladies blocking the entire aisle! I assume they were about my Mom's age (late 50's)
I said "Excuse me" at least 5 times and they continually ignored me even though I got louder each time I said it. 
Apparently Kai thought I needed her help in this matter. So she came to my "rescue".
She went up the women (she is at butt height lol) right next to their big behinds and said loudly "My Mommy said Excuse Me! That means you're in her way!"

O.o 

They looked down at Kai, turned bright red, told me they were sorry and promptly left. 

For a second I was torn between being embarrassed or proud of her. 
I chose to be proud of her. 

I have learned today that having manners and using them are a dying art form. I really hope that Kai's generation can bring it back.